If you really evaluate the company you keep, who would make up said company?
Are they people who see your soul?
Who tell you the raw uncomfortable truth because that's what real friends do?
Or are they people who make you feel better about yourself?
Depending on your life goals, you may want friends that make you feel comfortable and right or you want ones who are supportive in the ways that matter for the freedom of your soul.
These are three types of people that are keeping you stuck that we think are friends.
You really want to have that extra drink or skip the gym or order fast food... But you don't actually. Your self destructive part is craving all kinds of things and your enabler friend is right there to make sure you know it is ok! Having feelings? Let's have a milk shake.
I am guilty of being an enabler and it's a hard habit to break. It's rooted in not being comfortable when someone else is not ok and the desire to "fix". One of the ways we fix is to numb so your enabler friends will encourage you to "feel better" by numbing which ultimately robs you of the feelings that you need to have even if they might be unpleasant.
If you are saying, "Oh that's me too. I totally enable." Here is how to stop and be a better friend. Be an open space for your friend to share their feelings safely and let them know it's ok for them to be messy with you. They don't have to stuff their feelings, they can have them!
Chances are if you enable them you also soothe and feel the need to fix your feelings by making them go away! Be gentle with yourself and slow down.
I love me a good colluder! You know when you just want to bitch and complain about some f#cking bullsh!t? Who do you call? That friend is your colluder. They loyally go on your ride with comments like "yeah! That's horrible! Boo hiss!"
Why this isn't what you want?
Well for starters it keeps you in your story.
I was listening to the radio this morning and heard a woman call in to say she was a really good friend because she went with her friend to Las Vegas to spy on the friend's boyfriend. Like proper stalker style. She saw herself as a good loyal friend, but really she was colluding with her friend's craziness.
A good friend would say "No girl. You are freaking out and we are NOT going to Vegas to spy on him." A good friend would help her bring her attention back on her. See if you are a colluder, in that moment you FEEL like a champion for doing some crazy ass shit for your friend when really what you are doing is just adding to her crazy while you feel better about yourself.
Oh it's so easy to love a fan. I mean, they think you are the best thing since sliced bread and hang on every word that you say. Sometimes you look at a fan and think "am I really that awesome? YEAH I am!" What's wrong with that?
Well it's kind of like that advice that says don't buy your own press, good or bad. My experience with fans is that they live in a fantasy and put you on a pedestal. Then you end up trying to fulfill what it is they see you as. None of us are perfect and it's hard to be someone's fantasy of fabulousness all the time.
A true supporter is someone who can see your flaws and still back you. The fan pumps you up to help you fulfill what they need you to be. A supporter stays with you when shit gets rough. A fan leaves when the fantasy breaks and is usually angry and bitter and feels slighted leaving you all "whaaaa?".
If you are a fan, ask yourself why you are pouring all this attention on someone else and why you aren't putting that attention on yourself. How is being a fan a form of avoidance of your own life?
In summary, these are all just personality types. They are patterns that operate and are not to be confused with the human underneath them. Dismissing someone as bad or wrong for these actions isn't the point. It's to understand the pattern so you can identify and choose how to engage with it. Once you learn how to disarm these patterns there is a great more potential for connection and growth underneath.